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The Lighter Side of Marathoning - with Bob Schwartz

Trick or Feet

by Bob Schwartz

Runners are no different from others when it comes to the two-prong philosophy of consumption. If something is free - - it'll be snatched up irrespective of need. If it's free and edible - - it'll be devoured without concern to content or taste.

This latter principle was confirmed when someone placed a half-eaten trailer home size container of cayenne/garlic flavored popcorn in the kitchen of my office building at 8:00 a.m. Just 24.7 seconds later, not only was the food gone but someone had taken a large bite from the bucket as well.

For runners, the "free is wonderful" mentality is best illustrated by an increasingly popular event of race weekends. It's a combination Auto Show, Star Trek Convention and Culinary Extravaganza for runners. It's the exhilarating, spine tingling and eye-popping Running Expo!

There are few things that excite me more than those words. I don't pick races on the basis of flat courses, crowd participation or course beauty. For me, it's the expo. Better know as racing brochure paradise, free energy gel nirvana and locker room bag heaven. Ah, the bliss of being surrounded by endless choices of moisture wicking clothing.

I can comfortably reside in the bosom of my running peers - - encircled with products and methods to make me run faster, lighter and pain-free. Where else can I learn about the latest workout to increase my VO2 max to its ultimate genetic capacity while training at a speed beneath the onset of lactic acid accumulation and improving my capillary density - - all the while utilizing the latest heart rate monitor and plugging the results into a new computerized personal training program? Nirvana for the nylon set!

Free merchandise? I've got trinket overload coming from the pockets of my new waterproof, reflective, back venting, seam sealed, body-hugging poly/nylon/microfiber jacket. Can a runner really have too many refrigerator magnets, keychains, bumper stickers, pens, luggage tags, hats and water bottles with running related insignias? Never! We are runners, see us accumulate. Forage forward! Halloween has nothing on my large overstuffed plastic goodie bag full of running treats.

The intelligence of runners is however seriously questioned with their total lack of taste testing restraint at expos. It's one thing to try a little teriyaki chicken at the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon. It's quite another to have diligently trained for six months for tomorrow's race and now you determine it's the perfect moment to break from the strict training table regime and ingest items never before introduced to the stomach.

Unable to bypass the joy of free offerings, runners wind up putting harissa seasoned blue flour corn chips with glycomacropeptides and purified cellulose into their body for the first time, all the while washing it down with an inaugural drink of guava nectar. Rational thought is quickly cast aside in the face of free chow.

The multitude of product choices available at expos makes things a little challenging for me as my middle name is Indecisive. I constantly struggle with the epic question of mini-crew or quarter-cut running socks. My footwear selections now explode with choices including microsafe fiber optimum moisture management, anti-blister formula, anti-microbial agents, bunion protector, high density ball of foot pads, extra lightweight ultra dense thin sole or breathable elastic mesh arch. Hey, I have enough difficulty choosing between non-fat, skim, and 1 or 2% milk.

And what would a running expo be without the latest in shoe technology? It took me ten years and extensive late night studying before I finally figured out the difference between foot supination and pronation and thus the technical aspects of modern shoe science can be slightly complex for me. The shoe section at the expo acquaints me with ethylene vinyl acetate outsoles with air transfer cushions and graphite roll bars as well as thermo-polyurethane plates sandwiched in foam with nitrogen bubbles in a viscous substance inserted in the midsole. Yeah, right - - just like it looks.

After testing out some foot massagers, toe stretchers and nighttime foot splints, as well as purchasing a few running shoe ornaments and license plate holders, I make my way past the portable canine water bowl and reflective vest for pets and exit the expo.

The first leg of my weekend duathlon was complete as I slowly lugged my bag of treats to my hotel room. Now, I just had to remember to run that race in the morning.


This story and more in Bob Schwartz's New book: I Run, Therefore I Am - NUTS!

 

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